Not Gonna

There are a lot of things that I want to do. These are good things to do, and I will definitely get them done. But not today. And not things month. And very likely not even this year. That pile of books I want to read? It's been sitting on the nightstand since we moved here, and it's only gotten bigger not smaller. That craft project? Untouched since September yet sitting out and mocking me. The programs to learn German or ASL? It's been a year since I touched either. Having these things out as a constant reminder of all the things that I'm not doing and all the ways that I have failed to achieve the things that I want to accomplish. Sure, it's possible that I'd work on one of these, but it's more likely that they'll just sit there.

One of the things that I read in Sun Tzu's "Art of War" is that sometimes it's best to withdraw, so you can fight the battle on more favorable ground and in better conditions. I've realized that this is going to be the best way to win the constant war on the forces that threaten to overwhelm me. I am never going to win a traditional style battle. The enemy force is much greater. Instead, I will strategically withdraw to cover and pick them off in a guerrilla style fight - one or two at a time. Eventually, the balance will tip, and I'll be the one with the superior fire power.

That's where "not gonna" comes in. It's very different from "don't wanna" because these are things that I do want to do. It's also more powerful than saying, "I might be able to" or "I'll try" because then there is guilt if I don't. It's so freeing to just say, "not gonna" to things that are good, but I don't have the time or energy to do right now. Maybe after my current goals have been met, I'll be able to look at some of those awesome extra things that I'd love to do some day.

The language lessons have been packed into a box along with the pile of books from my nightstand. I've just got one spare in case I finish the ONE book that I am reading right now. Any craft project that can't be finished in one quiet evening will be the next to go. Without all those failures staring at me daily, I can start to focus more on where I have had successes and build on them.